This is going to be a multi-part blog about my experiences with dipping my toes into the swing scene. What I discovered, what I feared and how it caused me to rethink monogamy.
My ex and I had great communication. I feel like my relationship with her was the first real adult relationship of my life, and the only one I still consider as a true success (even though she took a job on the other side of the world and left me. I hate her face, soul and existence.) The unfiltered openness we had between each other started with a conversation about monogamy one night while on our way back from a bar. She was pretty drunk and said, “I don’t know if I can realistically be with one person for the rest of my life… sexually.”
Anger. Insecurity. Judgement.
“What does that mean?” I responded in almost a bitchy tone, as it was still early on in our relationship.
“I just mean… that… I hope my husband and I can have a series of conversations and figure out a way to open up our bed and keep our sex life fresh and fun.”
My mind completely distorted what she’d told me. I heard, “You’re not good enough for me and I need to cheat and fuck other guys with huge dicks that have BIG money and swallow their loads. I want ten cocks in my ass while being showered by a fucking jizz sprinkler!!!!”
In my twenties I probably would have held on to that altered version of what she’d said and allowed it to fester inside of me day and night causing a cloud of paranoid jealousy hovering over my head twenty-four hours a day. I would’ve then silently questioned her whereabouts or wonder if she wanted to fuck the hot actor waiter at Sushi Roku, her rich boss or the sandwich-making hipster at Whole Foods. Visions of all three of them covering my girlfriends face with the jizz sprinkler would’ve run through my head… in slow motion… with awesome rock music… and Scorsese quality cinematography.
I need help.
Anyway… during that car ride I decided not to respond and hold on to what she’d told me… relax… take a breath… and think about it. I wanted to hear more from her and nervously brought it up shortly thereafter when we were both sober. And when I did, I tried with all my might to listen without any filters.
“I just don’t know if monogamy is reality,” my ex said calmly. “I don’t mean that I’d like to see other men alone, or that I’d like you to go on a date with another girl without me. But… I wonder what would happen if we brought another girl into the bed? Or even a guy? Or even a couple? I don’t know if I can have strange man’s penis in me without getting to know him first… and I don’t know if I want to see you fuck another girl. But maybe I can? Maybe it will be fun for the both if us?”
The conversation scared the shit out of me. And as weird as it sounds, it scared me because of how mature it was. I couldn’t believe we were even entertaining the idea. If I’d even made jokes about being with another chick with any of my past girlfriends I risked waking up in the E.R. with half a dick and a hazy memory.
But there we were… sitting on the couch just laying it all out there. Our fears. Our desires. Our fantasies. And it was actually okay! There wasn’t any anger, guilt or weirdness. The strangest thing about it though… is all it took was total honesty and fearlessness. A concept that had seemed so foreign up until that moment.
I had secretly always wanted to have that conversation with a girlfriend. But was way too afraid to break societies definition of the word faithful: NO looking, NO touching and NO flirting. Sex with one person and one person ONLY. No ifs, ands, or buts. And those who break those rules, or even slightly crack them are the SCUM of the earth! Weird. Bad. Not to be trusted. Fucked up and uncool.
I also didn’t think I could ever have enough confidence in myself, or in my relationship to get past the point of not being jealous or insecure.
I’ve always been very open sexually and willing to try almost everything. I really only had four big “No’s” on my list. 1.) Pain. 2.) Animals. 3.) Blood. 4) Poop or pee. I knew I’d be more than okay with bringing another girl in the bed. What man wouldn’t? I’d had three ways in the past but they were on some drunken college debauchery shit without any emotional attachment. I’d never had one with a serious girlfriend… but I didn’t think it would matter.
However, I wasn’t sure if I could actually see my girlfriend fuck another dude. But maybe I could? And as we discussed it more and more the fear dissipated, the walls broke down and I started to feel like as long as we continued to be completely honest and respect each others feelings, that I could be comfortable enough to go ahead with some initial experimenting.
After several conversations we decided to start the exploration with two things. 1.) Bring in another girl… And 2.) Have sex with each other in the same bed as another couple. Watch, be watched and have some other bodies in the mix.
In the same way I was reluctant to see her fuck another guy, having a three way with another woman was just as scary for her. She liked women and had slept with many in the past. She’d also been “the girl” with a couple or two while single. But like me, she was scared to go that far with the man she cared about. Afraid that I’d fall for the other girl or become more turned on by her.
Through the process of trying to find that special woman I had to be completely aware of my ex-girlfriends feelings. It was my duty to make sure she felt loved, sexy and that she was she only girl I cared for, which was of course the truth. Finding that third piece took months and came through a female friend, who had a mutual friend interesting in exploring with a couple. We all hung out in groups a few times at bars and parties. Then had a couple of two on one dates before the three of us finally ended up back at our place one night.
The first three-way I had with my ex was one of the hottest sexual experiences I’ve EVER had. It’s one thing to have a three-way with a couple of chicks you don’t know, but another to have one with someone you’re totally in love with, totally comfortable with have a vested interest in making sure she’s pleasured.
In the moment… any fears or walls either of us had completely vanished. So much so that in the midst of it all my ex turned toward the other girl and said, “Do you want him to fuck you? I think he needs to fuck you!”
Whatever you want, honey!
Oh, I fucked her alright… while my girlfriend licked my asshole, and the experience took our relationship to a place of intimacy and trust that I’d never had with a girlfriend before. Like not even close. The next day my ex and I were so tuned up from the night before, and so much closer to each other we fucked four times. We continued to have bi-monthly dates with the same girl, and eventually a few others, and quickly jumped into phase two: Sex in the same bed as a couple.
And that’s when things really became interesting.
To be continued….
